Don’t Know …

I don’t know what to title this post.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if anything needs to be done.

Maybe I’m just acting up, going on my usual over-analyzing trip in overdrive.

I don’t know if it’s ill health that’s pulling down my spirits, or lack of excitement in my mundane life.

College, home, a given set of friends, a given set of activities and plans… And that’s my life summarized accurately.

Ya ya, I know that’s what most people also live each day.

But the point is I am restless… And I would like it to be different…

It’s slightly awkward writing all this here, coz now the readership of my blog extends to more people than I initially would have expected or liked. And yet, I gotta write this… Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I just have to…

My life seems empty.

there are times when I feel so lost and lonely that I wana scream like a maniac and run away.

Equally true is the fact that I start jumping animatedly at the teeniest of situations and possibilities.

I pride myself at being able to experience these extreme emotions – it shows I’m human, as I always say. I don’t control my joy, and I don’t hide my anger. If I’m sad it shows on my face and if I’m thoughtful, its evident as well. No scope of miscommunication or doubt there.

However…

(Yeah, there’s always a “however”, isn’t there…? Life…)

I’m a terrific person, if I may modestly and truthfully admit. Most people call me the girl next door - unpretentious, approachable and warm. My liveliness endears me to most, and makes some envious. And yet, I want to be on good terms with everyone. Life’s too short to be mean or angry with anyone forever.

What also has a bearing is that I look at things from varied perspectives, so I can easily place myself in someone’s shoes and look at how angles change and affect. The flipside of that is… I care more about others’ emotions than my own.

My desire to make no one sad, my need to not upset anyone, makes me do things that I’d not do if I were to be me. You could call it growing up, you could term it fake. The reality is… I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know if I ought to change that. I do voice my opinion when I want, but I readily succumb to the other person’s response, without sticking to my guns and stubbornly holding onto my position.

How do I feel about it? Well, I think I’m being very mature and kind. That makes me feel pleased and proud. But what also comes to mind is that people might not take it the same way as I do, and I don’t want to be perceived negatively. Positive evaluation and tangible feedback are two EXTREMELY significant terms in my life.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense to you. But honestly, I think I’m making sense to myself, let’s leave it at that.

That’s only part of the story. The bit about not really giving precedence to myself and worrying about others.

The other part is… I don’t know where I’m heading. And I don’t mean with reference to my career

. I know exactly well how that shall turn out. Besides, it’s not that complicated or harrowing.

I have this constant restlessness within me, which I don’t know how to tackle or ease. I don’t know what it is.

I genuinely have no regrets in life, though I can’t help feeling less or more blessed, as compared to others, on various occasions.

I don’t know what it is that I truly want. Like someone asked me the other day, what’s my ambition? I don’t have one. Does everyone need to have one? I’m living my life as well as I can, and I’m letting destiny take me wherever it intends. I’m adapting and adjusting where required, and I’m taking a call on things that I want and could do without. I refuse to follow what the others say or do, and I make my own choices and live by them.

What bothers me, is that my flexibility is making me less me. The person who used to have a fixed list of expectations from some folks now shrugs off anger and frustration in a laidback, devil-may-care manner when her needs are unmet. Is that nice? It’s definitely helping me cope better with those folks, but I still feel ignored and not taken care of. I feel like I’m not important or priority enough.

I express this to the concerned individuals, but then I ask myself if it really matters. For instance, I would be happy if you contact me ten times a day, and anything below five is criminal. So, if it’s not feasible for you to connect that often with me, let me know, but my expectation remains. And yet, when you contact me, I will feel like you’re doing it out of a sense of obligation, and I realise there’s really nothing we have to talk about, so why fool each other and waste time, just because my expectation says so.

You see?

It’s stupid, but it’s a dilemma nevertheless. One that causes me confusion and annoyance.

I want to be the cool dame who stays unruffled under any circumstances. But wouldn’t that mean killing the vivaciousness in me? And yet, if that makes life simpler for me, should I refrain from adopting this way of life? What attitude should one choose – the one that makes things easier, or the one that you’re born with?

I don’t know.

“Chalta hai” or “jaise chal raha hai, chalne de” has never been my maxim. I strive for perfection and desire the same from people, whatever their potential. Inspite of that, I see myself now saying things like chhod na / chuck it” or “naseeb / fate”.

People look upon me as intelligent and sensible, someone who gives good advice and shows the right direction even in critical times. People find it easy to share things with me, be it the most outrageous jokes or the deepest of secrets. I feel thankful for it all, for the faith and closeness.

And then, I see myself so lost… In need of a listening ear and caring shoulder…

Not that I don’t have any, but at times they are not the ones I want…

I see others living their shallow, superficial lives and merrily touting it as the best.

And I see myself, unsure, unhappy, unable to understand…

Am I a wreck?

I don’t know…

I just feel so lost…

Would a vacation help - a long sabbatical to someplace I’ve never been to, far away from friends and family? How about cutting and colouring my hair? Maybe a tattoo would do me good… Or a new hobby – swimming, Spanish, salsa? (is it a coincidence they all start with the letter “S”?)

I don’t know.

Over and out.

Besotted with You

I miss you more than words can say,
I wish there was another way;
A way to be in your arms forever,
And watch you as you try to be funny and clever.


I look in your eyes so deep and true,
I try to imagine the dreams they construe;
They say a thousand words as they twinkle,
I read their promises unswerving and fickle.


As I walk around with my hand in yours,
I lose count of the minutes and hours;
I could live my entire life like this,
Knowing that there’s nothing I’d ever miss.


Your thoughts have me sighing all day long,
Not a moment do you leave my mind alone;
I recall and relive every second with you,
With every recollection, everything appears new.


I catch myself imagining our life together,
I look for a sign, fore and nether;
To the angel in you, my soul reaches out,
And I know it’s you, without a doubt.


A thousand what ifs cross my mind,
A million anxieties within me I find;
But when I close my eyes my heart rejoices,
And I know it’s you, amidst all the choices.


Yes, I say, I know it’s you,
This decision, never shall I rue;
Life’s not perfect, no one said it was,
But with you, I know, the bliss won’t pause.


I know I shall smile,
I know there will flights of bile;
I know I’ll sob for you to go away,
But I also know that you shall stay.


I’ll be your mum when you trip on your trail,
I’ll be your best friend when plans fail;
I’ll exult like a wife when things go right,
I’ll be your cheeky partner all through the night.

We’ve both been in love before,
We’ve had our fun and tears galore;
And yet when I see that smile on your face,
I know this time it’s for real, and all fears efface…


If not love, then what is it,
For you, that makes me yearn and posit;
As long as you pledge to be just mine,
I vow, in my sky, you’ll be the only star to shine.

Being a Woman

Let me tell you first and foremost, being a woman ain’t easy...



We know what we want (at least 60% of the times), and we’re equally sure who we want it from. So, if I’m sad and I want Mr. X to come and give me solace, it won’t matter if Mr. W, Y and Z come and put their arms around me and buy me a million gifts and shower me with love, support and care. I am STILL going to miss Mr. X and his consolation. Of course, I am going to appreciate the others, and thank them for their help, but Mr. X, thou art doomed!!


Come to think of it, WHY do guys need to be told what to do? Just like we gauge their needs and understand their desires without them voicing it out loud, why can’t they also do the same? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to try! There have been a lot of times when the guy himself did not know what he was confused or stressed about, and a girl eased his mind by being sympathetic and kind. We’re all humans, we all have the same range of feelings, and it’s really not that tough if we make an effort to comprehend and assist.


Most women I know would agree that telling/asking for something to be said/done is not quite the same as the thing being said/done instinctively and voluntarily. What’s the use you loving me if you do not grasp the fact that there are times when I just need to be heard and hugged without being shown a hundred ways that are better. I am aware of what I have to do and how, just be calm and empathic, you moron! That’s all I need from you!!

Guys around the world know they’re kids. They either stumble upon this realization by themselves, or they read it in the zillions of magazines and books that talk about gender differences and peculiarities of the sexes. So, whether they agree or not, they very well know that their primary needs are food, sex and sleep. And so do we. And we take care to see that their needs are met. Be it the mum who keeps snacks ready the moment the son comes home from college, or the wife who entertains the man by night despite being dog tired at work all day, or the girlfriend who doesn’t call her sleeping boyfriend for a few hours even though she wants to talk to him desperately.


Why then is it soooo difficult for the men to appreciate us? Why is it impossible for them to anticipate our wants and fulfill them? Why do they find us complicated when all we need is a listening ear and a warm shoulder? How can they expect their stupid jokes to make us laugh when our hearts are weighed down by some misery that we are unsure and unable to express without being asked? You maybe close to me, and you may not require a prologue to talk about your concerns, but I do. And what’s wrong with that?


Let me admit, I expect people who are close to me to know me and the things that please me or tick me off. So, anyone in their right sense of mind wouldn’t ditch me after planning to meet, and anyone who has faced the music after they did something unpleasant wouldn’t do it again. Yet, I want my loved one(s) to know when I’m upset or when something has hurt me. It could be something as small as not messaging me before you sleep, or not telling me when you’re ill or suffering other crises. It could be when you keep repeating the same mistake again and again despite knowing it irritates me. Or that you give others priority over me, when I’m the one whose always there when you’re in trouble. Get what I mean?


So yeah, I have those sort of conditions with people I like and love. I CANNOT love unconditionally. Nope, I cannot. I can’t be ok with every way you treat me and any way you behave with me. If I’m being civil and nice, it’s your obligation to be the same to me. And if that’s something that’s not within your control, then goodbye. And let that goodbye be forever. Not the “here now and gone then” types. The wound needs to heal so that someone else can come and give me the happiness that is not in your power to grant your sweetheart.


Movies like What Women Want are made and watched the world over. And yet men don’t understand that all we need is love. We’re ready to help you in understanding us, just show us that you are devoted and dedicated and (willingly) ready to make that effort. We know people don’t learn things in the womb, but we surely want folks to learn things that would endear them to us. Ask us what we want, if you’re unable to understand. But not before you have tried every other option.


Besides, we're such sentimental fools that we'll never tell you directly what we are thinking. I'm sure you've heard of this one - when we say "we're fine OR it's ok", it means "nothing is fine." And when we say, "just leave me alone OR go away", it indicates that "please don't go, just stay and show me you care." And when someone you know who needs you says "I hate you", it actually stands for "I love you helluva lot, but you hurt me too much".


You see, we want to show we're independent. Yet the fact remains that even the most practical women are emotional at heart. And there's no denying that. We often don't NEED you, but we WANT to be showed that we're loved and cherished.


Awrite so we crib and complain and nag, at times more regularly than sunrise and sunset... and what do you do? Start ignoring us! And how does that help? It only makes us more crabby and depressed. And the vicious cycle continues... Why not try something more constructive and positive?


Our needs are not as simple as sex, nor as tough as a Sudoku puzzle. Sometimes an ice cream can do the trick, at other times, you may have to be a little more tolerant and listen to us as we rant on and on about the boss who yelled at us, or the friend who lost her cat, or the junior who can’t make a decision and needs our advice. You may have to make us feel better by a foot massage or by praising us non-stop for 50 minutes…


Different things work for different people, and for women, the one common need is to be pampered and treated like a child. We’re all little girls within, and if you remember that, you can never go wrong…


Do one tiny thing at the right time to make us smile, and I promise, no woman on earth will disappoint you or turn you away when you seek shelter, estranged by the callous world.

Sincerely,
Barnita

P.S. : Nope, I’ve not fought with or been hurt by any guy. These are some things I’ve always wanted to say (and might have, before, either on my blog or in person). Just thought I’d put them up here for all you guys to read and learn, and for all you girls to share and rejoice about :-) Take care!!

Thank You to You!!

Apparently January 11 is International Thank You Day.

And I know I am late.

Here is my Thank You to you :-)

Vote of thanks was never quite my favorite part of any meeting or conference. One, coz it’s predictable and boring. Two, coz more often than not, I was expected to deliver it. Often at a minute’s notice. Grrr…

But hey, I gotta say it here.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!!

“Freebird” is now 17 followers strong, and has 1525+ clicks till date. For a personal blog roughly 4 months old and 28 posts thick, I think it’s a great achievement. For me, and for you…

For staying loyal and interested throughout the times I’ve written about the same old topics, for coming back and checking despite there being no updates, for passing on the word and popularizing my blog… I remain grateful to you all. A million thanks!

I’ve been blog-rolled by many, and quite a few of you have added your name to my followers list. It’s always a pleasure reading the comments you make about the topics and writing style, irrespective of whether you consent or criticize. A vast chunk of you still prefer to be nameless and tiptoe in and out, leaving your footprints on my reader tracker. To all of you, I am indebted.

At times it gets a little scary and burdensome, knowing that there are so many of you out there, reading what I write and passing judgments about me based on what you interpret from my writing.

It freaks me out sometimes that there are people that I personally know and do not know who have more than adequate knowledge about me, my life, my thoughts and attitude.

I won’t deny that I’ve occasionally censored my words and evaluations because I know someone might get offended or shocked by me and my confessions.

And then I wonder whether I really wanted my blog to be this well-known. What started out as a personal diary online, has now become sort of a commercial magazine. And the difficult part is, I don’t know who’s reading it and who’s not!

Not that I mind really. Being a Pisces, seeking attention and reveling in it is an innate trait. Yet, I sometimes want to tone down my description or emotion, just to ensure someone does not fret or lose sleep.

Any time a stranger, colleague or friend tells me that he/she has been reading my blog, I feel a little surprised as if I don’t know what he/she is talking about. I feel pleased that he/she would take the time out to read what I’ve written, and that he/she would care two-pence about my values and experiences. It feels great. And I mean it for every one of you. I honestly do. If you’ve been reading my blog long enough, you know I don’t mince words or tell lies. Thank you once again. It really means a lot to me.

Even if I don’t know who you are, where you’re from. As long as you love me and my blog.

I do apologize for the times and words that have made you feel bad or misjudged. Trust me, the intention was not to hurt any one of you, but to share my perceptions and emotions. If I’ve ever mentioned you in my blog – directly or indirectly – it was because I felt something for you or the incident, not coz I want to ridicule you or tout my brilliance. Of course, confidentiality is vital, and I would never compromise on your faith in me or make you the butt of humiliation by sharing your true identity.

I’m running outta words here… Extraordinary, isn’t it?!! But really. I don’t know what more to say to express my gratitude.

Just a warm thank you and a bear hug to all if you.

Each one of you.

Keep reading.

This blog would be nowhere without your love and appreciation.


I thankfully remain,
Barnita :)

And life goes on...

I cry myself to sleep this night
I don’t know what I’m waiting for,
Seeking peace and a little joy
Neither jewels and luxuries nor.

This day is not the same as I wearily tread,
Till dusk from dawn,
The days of adventure and reckless abandon,
Are so long gone.

Had I been a tad more desperate,
I’d surrender myself to God
I’d have given up on my existence,
No matter if it’s craven or odd...

I know no one’s content,
That nobody leads a life ideal,
But somehow being in my shoes,
The agony is much real.

I appear to have lost all hope,
As wrongdoers bask in fun and bliss,
Things that bother me no end,
Civilization seems to allow this!

As I rant on and crib,
I feel so absurd and frivolous,
I live through days dreary,
And sob through nights delirious.

Don’t get me wrong,
I ain’t complaining;
I’m sharing life with you
And for action or contentment, waiting...

When You Know…

They were the best of friends and lovers. Both of them knew each other inside out. However, she being a girl was extremely sensitive to the smallest of issues and he being the guy could never quite figure out why she got so worked up about seemingly trivial stuff. Fights were plentiful, but they always got back with each other knowing fully well that they could not bear to be apart. There were many times when he went out of his way and nature to accommodate her needs and wishes, and she tried her best to be as calm and flexible as he desired. Time passed, and they went from being buddies to being soul-mates.

A few months ago, she would not have been quite so tolerant. Time and tide can make the hardest of us malleable and patient. Even he, known for being a truant and miscreant at the most opportune moments, had surprised folks who knew him, by being sensitive and determined. They both needed to make this work. And it showed.

It showed when he spoke to her. It showed when he looked at her, a wide naughty grin plastered on his face. It showed when she saw him, often as he returned the gaze. It showed when they walked hand in hand and did not say a word. It showed when they spoke about things informational, emotional and critical. It showed when she spoke about him to others in the family and friend circle. It showed when he held her and refused to let go. It showed when she did the wackiest of things just to make him smile. It showed in a million ways.

First love? No, not for either of them. Love at first sight? Not for her, at least.

She often thought of why and how she had managed to like him in the first place, forget accepting him in her life as a deserving and able partner. He was not perfect in any way and she knew that she wouldn’t recommend him to any other girl for sure. He had done the craziest of things and he had an opinion about everything, frequently based on nothing but stubbornness. What, then, had moved her to believe that it was this guy she wanted to spend her life with? She knew for a fact that there would be tough times ahead. But did that deter her from saying “I do”? She didn’t think so.

After all, she thought she wasn’t as beautiful as his previous girlfriends. She also knew her temper was tough to tackle, and his love for her was true. (How did she know that? She just KNEW.) She knew she felt special and safe with him, and he was trying to be what she wanted him to be. She knew it would take time, and she was willing to give him his fair chance. Why? THAT she didn’t know...

He, too, had his own misgivings about whether things were going the way they ought to be going. Were they really meant to be? Was there being together a mistake or chance? Was their life going to be disastrous once they took their vows? He had so many dreams - what would happen to them once she became a part of his life? Was she really what she showed, or was it all a façade? … Somehow he thought he knew the answers, but that did not relieve the anxiety or resolve the issue.


Yet, he knew that what he felt for her, he had never felt before. Of the many girls who had been with him, he knew that it was she he would miss if things didn’t work out this time. She challenged and annoyed him in myriad ways, but he only loved her all the more for it. The same confidence about her that had attracted him to her also became a pain in the wrong place when she turned against him for some reason (that he thought was mostly silly and unreasonable). And yet… he knew that together they would be ok.

Neither of them wanted it any other way.

Are soul-mates supposed to be perfect for each other? Are they supposed to fill each other’s gaps or are they supposed to fit together in the same mould? Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together? Some answers are not easy, nor are some decisions.

You just have to KNOW what you want… and what you can’t do without…

What would you regret not having in your life… and what would you miss till your last breath…

And once you think about it… you just KNOW…

Do you?

(Note: This is not the story of Marshal and Lily!)

Such is life...

A phonebook and cell memory full of contacts,
But no one to call when you desperately want to speak your heart out.
Such is life...

A million bucks to spend, and no friend to blow it with,
When you had that someone, you were too busy trying to make an extra buck.
Such is life...

At times I think homosexual relations make sense,
The depth of emotions of each gender can only b understood by another of the same kind.
We fight over our differences and keep expecting to be understood.
Such is life…

The very son who dotes on the mother,
Becomes devoted to the wife in days so few.
The mom still prays for him.
Such is life…

You crib about the bad things,
And then you adjust to living in situations worse.
Your optimism and energy disappear with time.
Such is life…

When everything is wrong the smallest thing brings delight,
Something that goes unnoticed in rosier times,
Becomes the single reason to live for.
Such is life…

Good things don’t really happen to good people,
Though we would sure like to believe so.
The wicked and wayward laugh more often.
Such is life…

You smile for the world,
And show you really don’t care.
But you nurture the hurts within you…
This is life...

Happy New Year :)