To answer my questions myself – no, I am not afraid of death. At least not death as a concept. Sure, I don’t want to die in a slow, painful way. I’d prefer the quick, instantaneous types where I don’t even realise its pack up time…
I don’t not want to die. I don’t not want to live either. I know death is inevitable. As mum always reminds me, the time for each one to be born, to marry and to die is fixed. Your time of demise is finalised the very second you’re born. So, I am aware its going to happen, and as I have no regrets in life, I don’t mind saying goodbye when the time comes… Frankly, I don’t know if I will be ready when it actually happens or if all my wishes will have been fulfilled leaving me content and happy. But I do know that I won’t curse god or beg to live. I’ll accept it gracefully.
If I knew when I was going to die, I’d definitely freak out a little and mark it on my calendar!
Before the destined hour, I would make all the telephone calls, visits and donations that I need to make, and joyfully tell everyone that I love them. I’ll thank them for making my living moments cheerful, memorable ones and I’ll also ask for forgiveness if I’ve intentionally or unintentionally hurt them. And last but not the least, I’ll tell them I’m going away forever and not to miss me too much. And hey, don’t not miss me either :-)
It is one thing to wait for it in its own sweet time, and entirely another to see it coming, with as much certainty as night follows day. I speculated whether I would jump into the sea and just stop swimming, letting the waves take me where they may and finally drown me when they were done playing.
I had no answer then. The answer fails me now too.
But I do know this. If I ever happen to be disabled beyond repair or hospitalised for life, I don’t want that life. Please kill me. Euthanasia might be a crime. But I cannot expose myself to pain and others to inconvenience for a few hours / days / weeks of laboured breathing. I will not have needles stuck into me, so what if the absence thereof cuts short my life by a few months? I’d rather live a short, healthy, independent life with respect than a lengthy one that is a trouble for me and others alike.
Oh, and make sure my eyes are donated. I want someone to be able to see. To understand what colours are, to know what beauty is, to watch playful puppies and the sultry sunrise... to feel blessed…
Just like what I felt when I looked outta the window that night in my house…
(No, not coz the festival of colors is here, and you need to watch out for sneaking eyes and peeking hands ready to douse you with rang and gulaal.... Best wishes for Holi, readers!)
Read this anonymous letter I found the other day.
Me frustrated. Me donno what to do. Me think I kill myself. Or I just die. I do no want to live. Nobody like me. Nobody need me. All think me bad person. Me care for people, people do no understand, people fight. Me get angry. Me hurt people. My life no good. Me no trouble no one still people no like me. Me brave and stubborn. Me also blunt and intelligent. So many say me good, me reach success, me capable. But me no happy. Me alone, me sad. I donno fault. How can all world be wrong? No. Me wrong. Me end life. Me got no guts, so me live on.
Interesting, eh? Especially the last line... Do you need guts to kill yourself, or do you need balls to survive?
I guess it’s that split second where you are so depressed and frustrated, that you muster all your valor to sacrifice your life. If that second passes, you’re never gona be able to do it again. So, in a way, death and life – both need courage. (Though of course, if anyone suicidal were to approach me, I’d say that suicide is for cowards, and one ought to live on to fight and overcome challenges.)
Eager to know your thoughts on this, friends and readers. And on the following points, too...
Like why a woman in power is subject to prejudice and contempt for no real reason. Why a divorced/widowed woman is looked down upon by society more critically than a male. Why a female who flirts and sleeps around is called a bitch, while a man doing the same is considered nothing abominable. Why when enjoying sex (which is logically and in reality the privilege of both genders), a woman is expected to be coy and her sole duty in bed is to satisfy her man, regardless of her own pleasures and needs. Why a woman who commits a crime evokes horror, while a man in her shoes gets the “chalta hai” gesture.
WHY??
Society assumes several things about a woman, and expects these assumptions to hold true whatever the case may be. Given the superior education, exposure, lifestyle, family and upbringing. How fair is this?? Who decided it to be this way? Why are we still falling prey to this bias? Is gender equality only a myth? True, the topmost positions in the world in all areas are held by men (and I congratulate them on that), but why cannot we tolerate vices in females, too?!!
We’re all human, right?!!!
Cheerio!
”
"I’m going to imprison you,
Neither friends nor family can you see,
All you shall have here, is me.
With me can you talk,
With me you’ll live alone,
I promise I’ll make you smile,
And to wipe your tears, I’ll do all that’s pure and vile.
But no one else can you call upon,
Though you command all that your heart wants,
Except for other humans, coz I can’t share you,
You’re too precious, too pretty, I can’t let you go.
I can’t risk you enjoying with another,
And refusing to return to me,
And even if you do, your heart will not be mine,
And I’d die rather than see you unhappy...
No! You must remain in this cage, this golden cage,
And I promise to keep you satisfied.”
"Ok”, said the princess,
"I love you, and I recognize how much you love me,
I don’t need anything else, except to be here with you.”
Alas, the foolish girl,
So innocent and short-sighted.
Life is funny and weird,
And our needs and desires even more so...
What seems so right one moment, looks ridiculous at another time,
And what one so deeply craves, turns out to be a curse.
"I miss my home”, the dainty lass said,
"It’s been so many weeks,
I want to see those that loved me,
And knew me much before we met...
I shall be back in a day’s time, I promise
Let me go, and I’ll return soon.”
The demon trembled, not a whisper escaped his lips,
After all, how long can one hold the clouds, the wind, the river...
He knew this would happen someday.
How could he refuse her, the one he lived and breathed for,
"Just a day”, she murmured, “A day, and not a second more.”
His eyes glistened with unwept tears
As he held her close, and felt her warmth,
He couldn’t let those drops flow,
Coz his princess’ last reflection was in them.
His heart wailed as he nodded,
“Ok my sweetheart,
I am your slave and I must obey.”
When one wishes something,
How fruitful is it to refuse?
Isn’t thinking it and doing it nearly the same?
Wouldn’t it sow the seed of sorrow and hurt?
"I love you,” he uttered, “always will”
Her hood fluttering in the breeze,
She disappeared over the horizon.
A day passed, and the princess thought,
"I guess another won’t hurt.”
And thus a week flew.
The princess enjoyed her new company,
Though she missed her crazy lover,
"I’ll surely leave tomorrow,” she kept telling herself,
But aren’t promises made to be broken?
She thought of him each day,
And how he worshipped her,
As the new month drew near,
She realized life wouldn’t be the same without him.
"I must go,” she said,
As her family bid adieu,
With arms open she flew,
To embrace the one who could die for her,
Or kill if need be.
The castle echoed her calls when she spoke his name,
She ran all about looking for her lover,
Until she reached the dungeon dark.
There sat the demon,
His lips curled in a moan,
"He died the instant you were beyond sight,” sighed a friendly stork.
"He asked me to wait till you came, so I could give you this.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks,
The princess unfolded the note,
"I love you, always will.
And I can’t bear my heart that beats without you...
I don’t know if I’ve told you about this guy who keeps sending unsolicited forwards, but here’s a very interesting thought he sent the other day – It's a wise man who lives with money in the bank; it's a fool who dies that way...
My neighbor expired on Friday . I wouldn’t have been too shaken if the circumstances hadn’t been so dramatic.
He was a lovable chap, roughly around 56-58 years old. Always dressed in his long chaddis and a white banian, he sat watching TV with the door wide open in the evenings. Whenever we used to walk up to our flat, he used to smile and say hello, not bothered about his attire or posture. I also remember him as he returned from work, straddling his daughter’s rickety yellow scooter. Quite a merry man...
The circumstances I’m talking about are this... He and his wife have two daughters, both married off happily, one abroad and the other right here. While the daughters have a few years between them, both of them happened to get pregnant and deliver a baby girl on the exact same day, a few hours apart on different parts of the globe. While the mother went to tend to the elder one in Canada, the dad stayed with the other daughter and her grandma in Delhi.
Thanks to the internet, they shared experiences, feelings and pictures, and were due to meet soon as both new mothers had completed their interlude. His wife landed on Saturday dawn, but she was a few hours late to say a final goodbye to her husband who departed Friday evening. Massive heart attack. His local daughter says he was over excited to see his wife and other daughter. I wonder what his thoughts and emotions were...
Life is so unpredictable. Senior folks past 80 continue to live like death has forsaken them, while youth and middle-aged people have their lives cut short by fate. Is this fair? Is this how it was always meant to be? That while we are anxious about road mishaps, people die at home without a flutter?
I've heard so much bad news last year related to babies and pregnancies... I wonder why destiny is playing such games. Have people really erred so much??
(Just like I do whenever I hear “Hey Ram, Hey Ram... Tu hi mata tu hi pita hai...” That was the song that was going on when I went to offer condolences at a family friend’s demise. How things get associated...)
Blood relations are sometimes not as strong as relations of the heart, which is often why friends and neighbors rank higher in the priority list versus relatives. Maybe that's why their misfortune and deaths affect us more...
Also a Dad, who doesn’t let his teenage son walk 1 kilometer to the school alone. The car plies up and down to lug the brat, even as the Dad orders another’s child to ride alone 20 kilometers in the dense traffic all week for some work.
Even if the family is bickering away day and night, one cannot bear even a finger raised by a stranger on his/her family member. And that’s what makes it all the more special... (I don't quite know how a spouse who comes in a few weeks ago can be obeyed meekly by the guy who yells incessantly at his concerned parents, but that's how it's meant to be, I guess...)
Well, I don’t know where I’m heading, but now that this post is so all over the place, I might as well put all my thoughts in...
Each person is a different individual, with his unique temperament, ambitions and principles. That is why we end up in conflicts. Coz one’s laziness is another’s concern, and one’s life is voluntarily not his own to live and direct...
Thank you for reading.
