You can’t make me hate him!

No matter what he does, no matter what he doesn’t do.


I know he’s mine. And he loves me more than anyone else ever could.


He watches out for me, takes care of me, and nurtures me when even I don’t need him.

He backs me whenever I do anything, and he forgives me a million times.


I owe it to him.


Our relation’s just like any other except for one fact.

We fight, we argue, we laugh, we talk, we abuse, we work together, we cry, we bitch and we appreciate... Just like others…


But we never let go.


I stick to him, and he stands by me all the friggin’ time.

Yeah, we have our share of tiffs where I ask him to keep off, calling him names and telling him he’s a no-good-sucker and I’m better off without him. That I don’t need him, and I would manage on my own, thank you very much.


He doesn’t sulk, he doesn’t justify or shout back. He just smiles.


And I say, “Grrr… why don’t you just FO…?!” and walk away.


A couple of days later, I find myself back in his arms.


He doesn’t call me, I don’t ask to be called. It just happens. I turn to him, and he quietly embraces me as if we’d always been that way. With the same smile on his face that I’d seen when I left.


Funny how his smiles appear to mock at times and convey strength on other occasions.


Really, I’m a fool to even judge his intentions.


He’s ALWAYS right.


And the craziest bit is, even if he seems to be wrong, situations modify themselves to prove him right! He can make miracles happen... and you can do nothing to stop what he bids...


Some conspiracy, I tell you. I don’t know how he does it.


Even if I cajole or fight back, he doesn’t do anything that would prove difficult or critical for me, either immediately or in the long run. He’s got a keen eye for detail and he can see far ahead than the most reliable prophet. Even if it means he’ll have to put up with my hatred and sorrow and anger, he still does what is right for me, not just going by what I want.


“Thank you” and “sorry” are words that I sometimes utter, but I know he doesn’t need to hear them. My feelings matter to him, but not at the cost of my well-being. His dedication and loyalty to me are extraordinary.

Call it faith, call it being stupid.


can’t say our relation is invisible; I can sense it, and so can others who care to look.


It’s beautiful, this thing we have.


I don’t know what I’d do without him.


Really.


And having known him so long, and so well, there’s no way we’re ever gonna part.


Come what may.


I love you


Yours forever,

Chaadni Raatein

Are you afraid of death? Do you not want to die? How is it knowing you’re going to die someday? What if you knew when you were going to die?


To answer my questions myself – no, I am not afraid of death. At least not death as a concept. Sure, I don’t want to die in a slow, painful way. I’d prefer the quick, instantaneous types where I don’t even realise its pack up time…


I don’t not want to die. I don’t not want to live either. I know death is inevitable. As mum always reminds me, the time for each one to be born, to marry and to die is fixed. Your time of demise is finalised the very second you’re born. So, I am aware its going to happen, and as I have no regrets in life, I don’t mind saying goodbye when the time comes… Frankly, I don’t know if I will be ready when it actually happens or if all my wishes will have been fulfilled leaving me content and happy. But I do know that I won’t curse god or beg to live. I’ll accept it gracefully.

If I knew when I was going to die, I’d definitely freak out a little and mark it on my calendar!


Before the destined hour, I would make all the telephone calls, visits and donations that I need to make, and joyfully tell everyone that I love them. I’ll thank them for making my living moments cheerful, memorable ones and I’ll also ask for forgiveness if I’ve intentionally or unintentionally hurt them. And last but not the least, I’ll tell them I’m going away forever and not to miss me too much. And hey, don’t not miss me either :-)

It is one thing to wait for it in its own sweet time, and entirely another to see it coming, with as much certainty as night follows day. I speculated whether I would jump into the sea and just stop swimming, letting the waves take me where they may and finally drown me when they were done playing.

I had no answer then. The answer fails me now too.


But I do know this. If I ever happen to be disabled beyond repair or hospitalised for life, I don’t want that life. Please kill me. Euthanasia might be a crime. But I cannot expose myself to pain and others to inconvenience for a few hours / days / weeks of laboured breathing. I will not have needles stuck into me, so what if the absence thereof cuts short my life by a few months? I’d rather live a short, healthy, independent life with respect than a lengthy one that is a trouble for me and others alike.


Oh, and make sure my eyes are donated. I want someone to be able to see. To understand what colours are, to know what beauty is, to watch playful puppies and the sultry sunrise... to feel blessed…


Just like what I felt when I looked outta the window that night in my house…

Don’t Know …

I don’t know what to title this post.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if anything needs to be done.

Maybe I’m just acting up, going on my usual over-analyzing trip in overdrive.

I don’t know if it’s ill health that’s pulling down my spirits, or lack of excitement in my mundane life.

College, home, a given set of friends, a given set of activities and plans… And that’s my life summarized accurately.

Ya ya, I know that’s what most people also live each day.

But the point is I am restless… And I would like it to be different…

It’s slightly awkward writing all this here, coz now the readership of my blog extends to more people than I initially would have expected or liked. And yet, I gotta write this… Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I just have to…

My life seems empty.

there are times when I feel so lost and lonely that I wana scream like a maniac and run away.

Equally true is the fact that I start jumping animatedly at the teeniest of situations and possibilities.

I pride myself at being able to experience these extreme emotions – it shows I’m human, as I always say. I don’t control my joy, and I don’t hide my anger. If I’m sad it shows on my face and if I’m thoughtful, its evident as well. No scope of miscommunication or doubt there.

However…

(Yeah, there’s always a “however”, isn’t there…? Life…)

I’m a terrific person, if I may modestly and truthfully admit. Most people call me the girl next door - unpretentious, approachable and warm. My liveliness endears me to most, and makes some envious. And yet, I want to be on good terms with everyone. Life’s too short to be mean or angry with anyone forever.

What also has a bearing is that I look at things from varied perspectives, so I can easily place myself in someone’s shoes and look at how angles change and affect. The flipside of that is… I care more about others’ emotions than my own.

My desire to make no one sad, my need to not upset anyone, makes me do things that I’d not do if I were to be me. You could call it growing up, you could term it fake. The reality is… I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know if I ought to change that. I do voice my opinion when I want, but I readily succumb to the other person’s response, without sticking to my guns and stubbornly holding onto my position.

How do I feel about it? Well, I think I’m being very mature and kind. That makes me feel pleased and proud. But what also comes to mind is that people might not take it the same way as I do, and I don’t want to be perceived negatively. Positive evaluation and tangible feedback are two EXTREMELY significant terms in my life.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense to you. But honestly, I think I’m making sense to myself, let’s leave it at that.

That’s only part of the story. The bit about not really giving precedence to myself and worrying about others.

The other part is… I don’t know where I’m heading. And I don’t mean with reference to my career

. I know exactly well how that shall turn out. Besides, it’s not that complicated or harrowing.

I have this constant restlessness within me, which I don’t know how to tackle or ease. I don’t know what it is.

I genuinely have no regrets in life, though I can’t help feeling less or more blessed, as compared to others, on various occasions.

I don’t know what it is that I truly want. Like someone asked me the other day, what’s my ambition? I don’t have one. Does everyone need to have one? I’m living my life as well as I can, and I’m letting destiny take me wherever it intends. I’m adapting and adjusting where required, and I’m taking a call on things that I want and could do without. I refuse to follow what the others say or do, and I make my own choices and live by them.

What bothers me, is that my flexibility is making me less me. The person who used to have a fixed list of expectations from some folks now shrugs off anger and frustration in a laidback, devil-may-care manner when her needs are unmet. Is that nice? It’s definitely helping me cope better with those folks, but I still feel ignored and not taken care of. I feel like I’m not important or priority enough.

I express this to the concerned individuals, but then I ask myself if it really matters. For instance, I would be happy if you contact me ten times a day, and anything below five is criminal. So, if it’s not feasible for you to connect that often with me, let me know, but my expectation remains. And yet, when you contact me, I will feel like you’re doing it out of a sense of obligation, and I realise there’s really nothing we have to talk about, so why fool each other and waste time, just because my expectation says so.

You see?

It’s stupid, but it’s a dilemma nevertheless. One that causes me confusion and annoyance.

I want to be the cool dame who stays unruffled under any circumstances. But wouldn’t that mean killing the vivaciousness in me? And yet, if that makes life simpler for me, should I refrain from adopting this way of life? What attitude should one choose – the one that makes things easier, or the one that you’re born with?

I don’t know.

“Chalta hai” or “jaise chal raha hai, chalne de” has never been my maxim. I strive for perfection and desire the same from people, whatever their potential. Inspite of that, I see myself now saying things like chhod na / chuck it” or “naseeb / fate”.

People look upon me as intelligent and sensible, someone who gives good advice and shows the right direction even in critical times. People find it easy to share things with me, be it the most outrageous jokes or the deepest of secrets. I feel thankful for it all, for the faith and closeness.

And then, I see myself so lost… In need of a listening ear and caring shoulder…

Not that I don’t have any, but at times they are not the ones I want…

I see others living their shallow, superficial lives and merrily touting it as the best.

And I see myself, unsure, unhappy, unable to understand…

Am I a wreck?

I don’t know…

I just feel so lost…

Would a vacation help - a long sabbatical to someplace I’ve never been to, far away from friends and family? How about cutting and colouring my hair? Maybe a tattoo would do me good… Or a new hobby – swimming, Spanish, salsa? (is it a coincidence they all start with the letter “S”?)

I don’t know.

Over and out.