Oh Bother!

You thought I was weak,
I don’t seem to be so anymore…
Does that bother you?

You took your call by walking outta my life,
Not caring how I felt, or how I’d survive,
Now that I’ve found greater happiness in your absence…
Does that bother you?

You believed I was lonely,
Yet the exuberance in my league is deafening…

Does that bother you?

You were the centre of my universe,
And you threw it all away,
My having decided to not punish myself any longer…
Does that bother you?

You considered me understanding and different,
And came close to me, saying we were meant to be…

Does that bother you?

Memories of times bygone linger in my mind,
I’m sure they’re in your trash bins rotting away,
As I create moments of joy with those around you…
Does that bother you?

As I watch you stroll and smirk,
I believe you’re happy or at least pretending…

Does that bother you?

I still cringe when I feel your eyes on me,
Your voice and presence make me go insane,
For all my moving on, I still keep coming back…
Does that bother you?

It bothers me…

And your being bothered or not,
Doesn’t matter anymore.

Coz I know I’m meant to be happy,
And I know I deserve better;
You lost something precious that you didn’t value,
And trust me… it shall someday bother you…
When I lie cosy and happy with the one that treasures me.

I promise I will.
You… but who cares?

Fear Has A New Address

(No, not coz the festival of colors is here, and you need to watch out for sneaking eyes and peeking hands ready to douse you with rang and gulaal.... Best wishes for Holi, readers!)


Read this anonymous letter I found the other day.

Me frustrated. Me donno what to do. Me think I kill myself. Or I just die. I do no want to live. Nobody like me. Nobody need me. All think me bad person. Me care for people, people do no understand, people fight. Me get angry. Me hurt people. My life no good. Me no trouble no one still people no like me. Me brave and stubborn. Me also blunt and intelligent. So many say me good, me reach success, me capable. But me no happy. Me alone, me sad. I donno fault. How can all world be wrong? No. Me wrong. Me end life. Me got no guts, so me live on.

Interesting, eh? Especially the last line... Do you need guts to kill yourself, or do you need balls to survive?

I guess it’s that split second where you are so depressed and frustrated, that you muster all your valor to sacrifice your life. If that second passes, you’re never gona be able to do it again. So, in a way, death and life – both need courage. (Though of course, if anyone suicidal were to approach me, I’d say that suicide is for cowards, and one ought to live on to fight and overcome challenges.)


Eager to know your thoughts on this, friends and readers. And on the following points, too...

Like why a woman in power is subject to prejudice and contempt for no real reason. Why a divorced/widowed woman is looked down upon by society more critically than a male. Why a female who flirts and sleeps around is called a bitch, while a man doing the same is considered nothing abominable. Why when enjoying sex (which is logically and in reality the privilege of both genders), a woman is expected to be coy and her sole duty in bed is to satisfy her man, regardless of her own pleasures and needs. Why a woman who commits a crime evokes horror, while a man in her shoes gets the “chalta hai” gesture.

WHY??

Society assumes several things about a woman, and expects these assumptions to hold true whatever the case may be. Given the superior education, exposure, lifestyle, family and upbringing. How fair is this?? Who decided it to be this way? Why are we still falling prey to this bias? Is gender equality only a myth? True, the topmost positions in the world in all areas are held by men (and I congratulate them on that), but why cannot we tolerate vices in females, too?!!


We’re all human, right?!!!


Cheerio!

The Price of Love

”

“Roar”, said the demon,
"I’m going to imprison you,
Neither friends nor family can you see,
All you shall have here, is me.

With me can you talk,
With me you’ll live alone,
I promise I’ll make you smile,
And to wipe your tears, I’ll do all that’s pure and vile.

But no one else can you call upon,
Though you command all that your heart wants,
Except for other humans, coz I can’t share you,
You’re too precious, too pretty, I can’t let you go.

I can’t risk you enjoying with another,
And refusing to return to me,
And even if you do, your heart will not be mine,
And I’d die rather than see you unhappy...

No! You must remain in this cage, this golden cage,
And I promise to keep you satisfied.”

"Ok”, said the princess,
"I love you, and I recognize how much you love me,
I don’t need anything else, except to be here with you.”
Alas, the foolish girl,
So innocent and short-sighted.

Life is funny and weird,
And our needs and desires even more so...
What seems so right one moment, looks ridiculous at another time,
And what one so deeply craves, turns out to be a curse.

"I miss my home”, the dainty lass said,
"It’s been so many weeks,
I want to see those that loved me,
And knew me much before we met...
I shall be back in a day’s time, I promise
Let me go, and I’ll return soon.”

The demon trembled, not a whisper escaped his lips,
After all, how long can one hold the clouds, the wind, the river...
He knew this would happen someday.

How could he refuse her, the one he lived and breathed for,
"Just a day”, she murmured, “A day, and not a second more.”
His eyes glistened with unwept tears
As he held her close, and felt her warmth,
He couldn’t let those drops flow,
Coz his princess’ last reflection was in them.

His heart wailed as he nodded,
“Ok my sweetheart,
I am your slave and I must obey.”

When one wishes something,
How fruitful is it to refuse?
Isn’t thinking it and doing it nearly the same?
Wouldn’t it sow the seed of sorrow and hurt?

"I love you,” he uttered, “always will”
Her hood fluttering in the breeze,
She disappeared over the horizon.

A day passed, and the princess thought,
"I guess another won’t hurt.”
And thus a week flew.

The princess enjoyed her new company,
Though she missed her crazy lover,
"I’ll surely leave tomorrow,” she kept telling herself,
But aren’t promises made to be broken?

She thought of him each day,
And how he worshipped her,
As the new month drew near,
She realized life wouldn’t be the same without him.

"I must go,” she said,
As her family bid adieu,
With arms open she flew,
To embrace the one who could die for her,
Or kill if need be.

The castle echoed her calls when she spoke his name,
She ran all about looking for her lover,
Until she reached the dungeon dark.

There sat the demon,
His lips curled in a moan,
"He died the instant you were beyond sight,” sighed a friendly stork.
"He asked me to wait till you came, so I could give you this.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks,
The princess unfolded the note,
"I love you, always will.
And I can’t bear my heart that beats without you...

Being a Woman

Let me tell you first and foremost, being a woman ain’t easy...



We know what we want (at least 60% of the times), and we’re equally sure who we want it from. So, if I’m sad and I want Mr. X to come and give me solace, it won’t matter if Mr. W, Y and Z come and put their arms around me and buy me a million gifts and shower me with love, support and care. I am STILL going to miss Mr. X and his consolation. Of course, I am going to appreciate the others, and thank them for their help, but Mr. X, thou art doomed!!


Come to think of it, WHY do guys need to be told what to do? Just like we gauge their needs and understand their desires without them voicing it out loud, why can’t they also do the same? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to try! There have been a lot of times when the guy himself did not know what he was confused or stressed about, and a girl eased his mind by being sympathetic and kind. We’re all humans, we all have the same range of feelings, and it’s really not that tough if we make an effort to comprehend and assist.


Most women I know would agree that telling/asking for something to be said/done is not quite the same as the thing being said/done instinctively and voluntarily. What’s the use you loving me if you do not grasp the fact that there are times when I just need to be heard and hugged without being shown a hundred ways that are better. I am aware of what I have to do and how, just be calm and empathic, you moron! That’s all I need from you!!

Guys around the world know they’re kids. They either stumble upon this realization by themselves, or they read it in the zillions of magazines and books that talk about gender differences and peculiarities of the sexes. So, whether they agree or not, they very well know that their primary needs are food, sex and sleep. And so do we. And we take care to see that their needs are met. Be it the mum who keeps snacks ready the moment the son comes home from college, or the wife who entertains the man by night despite being dog tired at work all day, or the girlfriend who doesn’t call her sleeping boyfriend for a few hours even though she wants to talk to him desperately.


Why then is it soooo difficult for the men to appreciate us? Why is it impossible for them to anticipate our wants and fulfill them? Why do they find us complicated when all we need is a listening ear and a warm shoulder? How can they expect their stupid jokes to make us laugh when our hearts are weighed down by some misery that we are unsure and unable to express without being asked? You maybe close to me, and you may not require a prologue to talk about your concerns, but I do. And what’s wrong with that?


Let me admit, I expect people who are close to me to know me and the things that please me or tick me off. So, anyone in their right sense of mind wouldn’t ditch me after planning to meet, and anyone who has faced the music after they did something unpleasant wouldn’t do it again. Yet, I want my loved one(s) to know when I’m upset or when something has hurt me. It could be something as small as not messaging me before you sleep, or not telling me when you’re ill or suffering other crises. It could be when you keep repeating the same mistake again and again despite knowing it irritates me. Or that you give others priority over me, when I’m the one whose always there when you’re in trouble. Get what I mean?


So yeah, I have those sort of conditions with people I like and love. I CANNOT love unconditionally. Nope, I cannot. I can’t be ok with every way you treat me and any way you behave with me. If I’m being civil and nice, it’s your obligation to be the same to me. And if that’s something that’s not within your control, then goodbye. And let that goodbye be forever. Not the “here now and gone then” types. The wound needs to heal so that someone else can come and give me the happiness that is not in your power to grant your sweetheart.


Movies like What Women Want are made and watched the world over. And yet men don’t understand that all we need is love. We’re ready to help you in understanding us, just show us that you are devoted and dedicated and (willingly) ready to make that effort. We know people don’t learn things in the womb, but we surely want folks to learn things that would endear them to us. Ask us what we want, if you’re unable to understand. But not before you have tried every other option.


Besides, we're such sentimental fools that we'll never tell you directly what we are thinking. I'm sure you've heard of this one - when we say "we're fine OR it's ok", it means "nothing is fine." And when we say, "just leave me alone OR go away", it indicates that "please don't go, just stay and show me you care." And when someone you know who needs you says "I hate you", it actually stands for "I love you helluva lot, but you hurt me too much".


You see, we want to show we're independent. Yet the fact remains that even the most practical women are emotional at heart. And there's no denying that. We often don't NEED you, but we WANT to be showed that we're loved and cherished.


Awrite so we crib and complain and nag, at times more regularly than sunrise and sunset... and what do you do? Start ignoring us! And how does that help? It only makes us more crabby and depressed. And the vicious cycle continues... Why not try something more constructive and positive?


Our needs are not as simple as sex, nor as tough as a Sudoku puzzle. Sometimes an ice cream can do the trick, at other times, you may have to be a little more tolerant and listen to us as we rant on and on about the boss who yelled at us, or the friend who lost her cat, or the junior who can’t make a decision and needs our advice. You may have to make us feel better by a foot massage or by praising us non-stop for 50 minutes…


Different things work for different people, and for women, the one common need is to be pampered and treated like a child. We’re all little girls within, and if you remember that, you can never go wrong…


Do one tiny thing at the right time to make us smile, and I promise, no woman on earth will disappoint you or turn you away when you seek shelter, estranged by the callous world.

Sincerely,
Barnita

P.S. : Nope, I’ve not fought with or been hurt by any guy. These are some things I’ve always wanted to say (and might have, before, either on my blog or in person). Just thought I’d put them up here for all you guys to read and learn, and for all you girls to share and rejoice about :-) Take care!!

And life goes on...

I cry myself to sleep this night
I don’t know what I’m waiting for,
Seeking peace and a little joy
Neither jewels and luxuries nor.

This day is not the same as I wearily tread,
Till dusk from dawn,
The days of adventure and reckless abandon,
Are so long gone.

Had I been a tad more desperate,
I’d surrender myself to God
I’d have given up on my existence,
No matter if it’s craven or odd...

I know no one’s content,
That nobody leads a life ideal,
But somehow being in my shoes,
The agony is much real.

I appear to have lost all hope,
As wrongdoers bask in fun and bliss,
Things that bother me no end,
Civilization seems to allow this!

As I rant on and crib,
I feel so absurd and frivolous,
I live through days dreary,
And sob through nights delirious.

Don’t get me wrong,
I ain’t complaining;
I’m sharing life with you
And for action or contentment, waiting...

10 Things

Just been thinking about this...

Here are 10 things I would say to my girl, if I was a guy...

1. Look at her in a dreamy-eyed way and say, "You're gooooorgeous, woman! I can't take my eyes off you..."

2. "I'll always be there for you honey."

3. "Sweetheart, you have made me the luckiest man on this planet by loving me."

4. "I care for you baby."

5. "I feel incomplete without you... Can I hug you forever?"

6. "Man! I'd be damned if you weren't by my side."

7. When she's smiling/laughing, "I love to see you happy."

8. "Your wish is my command, princess."

9. "I'm dying to see you, my angel."

10. "I missssss you :-( "

... And more importantly, 10 things I would NEVER ever say...

1. "What have you ever done for me?"

2. "Why don't you make some coffee as I read the newspaper in the other room?"

3. "Can we talk later? I want to watch the football/cricket match."

4. "The gang's going out so I won't be able to come for your convocation/party."

5. "You ruined my life. I wish we'd never met!"

6. "His girlfriend is a babe! Love the way she dances/dresses/talks."

7. "You were with me just for my money."

8. "Couldn't you wear something better?" OR "You look funny/horrible/OK."

9. "You don't satisfy me."

10. "Call me after you stop crying" OR "Meet me after your problems are sorted out."

You're welcome :-)

I am me .

As I watch the waves I think,
About the person I am,
So what if I feel a particular way?
Am I to hold it back like a dam?

The sandy beach reminds me,
Life isn't always the same;
Some of the sand jumps for the tide,
And some remains stable and tame.

So what if I get upset over things that appear trivial?
For me, nothing's a silly game...

The sun sets low on the horizon,
Conveying, relax, it all ends one day;
Why then with any realization,
Do the tears come and my composure sway?

I have my goods and bads,
I'm generous, assertive and guileless;
I am what I am,
And whoever said one has to be flawless?

I get attached to people the very first time I meet them,
So what?

I keep smiling with or without reason,
So what?

I'm possessive and rude when provoked,
So what?

I feel betrayed and hurt when those that I love,
Adore something else more than me;
Their passion, ego or a plaything,
Even their family.

I do unreasonable, absurd things,
Like wanting those that don't want me.

I'm responsible and protective,
And I hate the fact that I'm so sensitive...

They call me stubborn and self-centred,
Though they know of my jolly, sweet nature,
Doesn't bother me... Whoever wants to please them all...
Not me for sure!

Or do I??

What matters finally
Is that I know I'm wonderful,
I know my weaknesses,
And that's my greatest strength...

I am me...

Silence

And then, Pinkoo asked Punkoo, "How you doing?"

"Fine."

"Hows life - your college , health, friend circle...?"

"Okay."

"Hmm..."

(Silence)

"Hows ur life - settled in the college and everything?

"Yeah. It's a very different experience, but I like it."

"Good."

"Hmm."

(Silence)


"So, Punkoo... Who's been giving you the strength to stay away from me?"

(Silence)

"Who's giving you the energy to be without me?"

(Silence)


Some questions are left unanswered...

Some relations end despite the love and commitment being evergreen...

What happens to the people?

Silence...

That invincible silence...

That Night

She paced back and forth in her backyard. It was almost dawn. The plan was to run away in the dead of night.They were going to elope!


It was final. They could not bear staying away from each other. They knew they would never be allowed by their families and societies to marry. And while they did not want to shame their parents, they could not bear to spend their separate lives unhappy. No, some things had to be done whatever the price. And as long as it involved the two of them being together, no price was too high to pay. She was sure. He was certain. The rest would work out. In time. They were confident.


She muttered to herself. What was taking him so long? Someone or the other could come by any minute and ask her what she was doing outside so late at night. They would look at her bag and wonder. It would not take them too long to figure out. True, they would not know who the guy was; she had ensured that she never made any direct reference to him. But that was a minor detail. Running away from home was the greater sin.


She looked at her cell phone. It was almost three quarters of an hour over and above the appointed time. Drat! Trust him never to make it anywhere on time! Not even on this momentous occasion! This was ridiculous. How annoying could he be!


Uh oh, but here was another problem. In her excitement, she had forgotten to charge her mobile phone. It had just one bar of battery left. Another couple of minutes and her cell would conk off, leaving her lost and confused.


Her heart raced. She could not believe all of this was actually happening. She was worried about how it would all end.

Her battery was almost dead. She thought she would switch it off once and switch it on again. This sometimes increased the battery life by a couple of minutes.

Switch off.

Wouldn’t switch on.

Pressed harder.

Still dead.

Panic.

She pressed the power button a little harder.

The battery came to life.

Relief.

Tweet tweet… Sms!

“Hi baby. I have lost my way. But I know I am just a minute away from you.”

Anger. Darn his screwed up sense of direction!

The battery conked off again.

The sound of an engine being killed reached her. She was terrified. Who could it be at this hour?

She slunk to a corner waiting for whoever it was to go away. She hoped nobody would catch her.

She tried to switch on her handset again.

The cell powered on. Whew! She better find out quickly where this guy was philandering in the night.

Tring tring…

“Babes I’ve been trying to call you for the last five minutes! Where are you?”

“Right here, waiting. Where are you?”

“At your door! Come out fast!”

She ran out, not even bothering to cut the phone.

There he was… Grinning in his usual, stupid way.

She hugged him.” I thought you’d never come!”

“Oh baby, I took a wrong turn. I couldn’t find your house…”

“Ok enough talk! Let’s run before we’re caught!”

Vroom….

Aah… Was this what was called ecstasy?

She felt ecstatic.