Oh Bother!

You thought I was weak,
I don’t seem to be so anymore…
Does that bother you?

You took your call by walking outta my life,
Not caring how I felt, or how I’d survive,
Now that I’ve found greater happiness in your absence…
Does that bother you?

You believed I was lonely,
Yet the exuberance in my league is deafening…

Does that bother you?

You were the centre of my universe,
And you threw it all away,
My having decided to not punish myself any longer…
Does that bother you?

You considered me understanding and different,
And came close to me, saying we were meant to be…

Does that bother you?

Memories of times bygone linger in my mind,
I’m sure they’re in your trash bins rotting away,
As I create moments of joy with those around you…
Does that bother you?

As I watch you stroll and smirk,
I believe you’re happy or at least pretending…

Does that bother you?

I still cringe when I feel your eyes on me,
Your voice and presence make me go insane,
For all my moving on, I still keep coming back…
Does that bother you?

It bothers me…

And your being bothered or not,
Doesn’t matter anymore.

Coz I know I’m meant to be happy,
And I know I deserve better;
You lost something precious that you didn’t value,
And trust me… it shall someday bother you…
When I lie cosy and happy with the one that treasures me.

I promise I will.
You… but who cares?

Ignorance ain't Bliss

It is so easy to ignore someone when you don't know them.

Or for that matter when that person is out of sight.

"Dekh ke andekha karna" - now that is one of my weak points, or shall I say "Areas of Opportunity"


Doesn't seem so for folks around me though...

The people that co-habit a certain space with me fall in 3 categories: one, people that I am extremely comfortable and spontaneous with; two, people that know formally and adhere to limits with; and three, people that I don't really know and thus, don't often interact with.

Of late, however, I have sensed the existence of another category: the one where people from the first category go after things go awry between us, in major or silly ways.

I am, by nature, a very gregarious person. I like to be friends with everyone and I like to be on good terms with all. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I have to give or am given the cold shoulder by someone. The amount of stress I experience at such times is absolultely unbearable. And the worst part is, it does not seem to affect the other person one bit.


Or at least that's what they show. Mighty successfully.

Leaving me wondering if I ever mattered in the first place.

Is there some trick to it? Some special secret that I don't know yet?

It's just like the case where after being lovers, two individuals cannot be friends. But for me, this happens even with people that are my buddies.

I know the next question you will ask is that if you are so close, how can you suddenly become so distanced and detached?

Well, I can answer that. It depends on the kind of miscommunication that has occurred. On most occasions, I readily and modestly walk up to the "friend" and start talking, clarifying things that have caused a rift. And I do not hesitate in re-connecting even if it means I have to bend over. However, bend over backwards - that I shan't. I've got my own self-respect. And if the other person's ego is supreme enough to kill a beautiful relationship, then too bad. Your loss.

Except that it impacts me worse that it does you!!

I've been told more than a few times by my GENUINE friends and well-wishers that I ought to keep safe distance and not get emotionally attached to everyone in my social circle. Quite a sane suggestion.

But how do I explain that it's not voluntary - this decision to get affected by what people say or do... I get impacted by their words and behavior, they have the ability to make me happy or sad, and I like it that way... except when it gets really bad... and hurts... beyond my control...

I guess that's the price I have to pay for being so open and sensitive.

Big or small, I'm not saying. It gives me as many laughs as tears, give or take a few, and both are entirely worth it :-)

Having said that, I do wish that people understand that their actions and sentences might hurt others. Why make someone miserable? Why steal smiles if you are unable to give joys in return? In fact, why give sorrow at all irrespective of the number of delights exchanged?

I once heard, "it's not possible to cover the world with a carpet, so wear chappals". I also remember a saying that goes like this - "Expecting the world to treat you fairly is like asking a tiger not to eat you because you are vegetarian". While both these thoughts are bang on target, I still fail to follow them.

Beautiful World

Someone who has tremendous knowledge, a good dressing sense, a great job, amazing salary and perks, a car and luxuries despite being humble and simple, unbelievable modesty, sensitivity and direction, humanity and patience… and an inferiority complex.


Someone who asks a million questions and appears funny and silly, and is still loved for who she is, and her honesty and forthrightness.


Someone who thinks he’s the alpha male, the most intelligent of them all, and acts like a prince even though he’s fake inside and outside, and people know it and see through his artificiality… and he’s still unconcerned and unaffected, regaling himself and exploiting others in his make-believe perfect world.


Someone who has a terrible destiny, and only one hand that can save, and he ends up biting the very hand that tries to pull him up from his deep grave… time and again.


Someone who thinks she is being used and abused, not aware of the fact that this “being used” is what gives her happiness and contentment... that without it, she would feel unneeded, unhappy and aimless.


Someone who can’t figure out why he is mistreated and ignored, and he behaves like he doesn’t care when he actually does. He isn’t strong enough to inquire or seek help, or to change even… but he still cares for those that mistreat and ignore him…


Someone who hides his insecurities by being mean to others, he dreams of being better than others by criticising and ridiculing the very people that love him…


Someone who has a pure heart and a fabulous sense of humour, he is smart as he is helpful, and yet his path is strewn with difficulties and setbacks. His tolerance and strength is tremendous... maybe the calm before the storm.


Someone who loves the sound of her own voice and has an opinion on everything, she is clueless about how she impacts others negatively, even as she carries a hundred gifts within her that get shrouded by her ugly words and tone…


Someone who has a deep understanding of people, relations and interactions… and yet can’t sustain a single relationship. Despite all his understanding and clarity of thought, he was alone. Not that he minded...


Someone who wants to be loved, appreciated, popular and idealized… and can’t unravel why she is forsaken as those lesser move ahead and achieve what for her appears unattainable.


Someone who abuses and insults people generously, his confidence and uncomplicated straightforwardness is often a slap in the face. How folks thought about him was not on the top 20 things he'd worry about. His goal was clear, his intentions were anything but tentative, and he revelled in his image - be it complimentary or the opposite. Commendable guts!!



It’s a beautiful world…



Made further gorgeous by many varied lovely people :-)



Like you and me!!



Look for the beauty around you. It abounds!!

You can’t make me hate him!

No matter what he does, no matter what he doesn’t do.


I know he’s mine. And he loves me more than anyone else ever could.


He watches out for me, takes care of me, and nurtures me when even I don’t need him.

He backs me whenever I do anything, and he forgives me a million times.


I owe it to him.


Our relation’s just like any other except for one fact.

We fight, we argue, we laugh, we talk, we abuse, we work together, we cry, we bitch and we appreciate... Just like others…


But we never let go.


I stick to him, and he stands by me all the friggin’ time.

Yeah, we have our share of tiffs where I ask him to keep off, calling him names and telling him he’s a no-good-sucker and I’m better off without him. That I don’t need him, and I would manage on my own, thank you very much.


He doesn’t sulk, he doesn’t justify or shout back. He just smiles.


And I say, “Grrr… why don’t you just FO…?!” and walk away.


A couple of days later, I find myself back in his arms.


He doesn’t call me, I don’t ask to be called. It just happens. I turn to him, and he quietly embraces me as if we’d always been that way. With the same smile on his face that I’d seen when I left.


Funny how his smiles appear to mock at times and convey strength on other occasions.


Really, I’m a fool to even judge his intentions.


He’s ALWAYS right.


And the craziest bit is, even if he seems to be wrong, situations modify themselves to prove him right! He can make miracles happen... and you can do nothing to stop what he bids...


Some conspiracy, I tell you. I don’t know how he does it.


Even if I cajole or fight back, he doesn’t do anything that would prove difficult or critical for me, either immediately or in the long run. He’s got a keen eye for detail and he can see far ahead than the most reliable prophet. Even if it means he’ll have to put up with my hatred and sorrow and anger, he still does what is right for me, not just going by what I want.


“Thank you” and “sorry” are words that I sometimes utter, but I know he doesn’t need to hear them. My feelings matter to him, but not at the cost of my well-being. His dedication and loyalty to me are extraordinary.

Call it faith, call it being stupid.


can’t say our relation is invisible; I can sense it, and so can others who care to look.


It’s beautiful, this thing we have.


I don’t know what I’d do without him.


Really.


And having known him so long, and so well, there’s no way we’re ever gonna part.


Come what may.


I love you


Yours forever,

Chaadni Raatein

Are you afraid of death? Do you not want to die? How is it knowing you’re going to die someday? What if you knew when you were going to die?


To answer my questions myself – no, I am not afraid of death. At least not death as a concept. Sure, I don’t want to die in a slow, painful way. I’d prefer the quick, instantaneous types where I don’t even realise its pack up time…


I don’t not want to die. I don’t not want to live either. I know death is inevitable. As mum always reminds me, the time for each one to be born, to marry and to die is fixed. Your time of demise is finalised the very second you’re born. So, I am aware its going to happen, and as I have no regrets in life, I don’t mind saying goodbye when the time comes… Frankly, I don’t know if I will be ready when it actually happens or if all my wishes will have been fulfilled leaving me content and happy. But I do know that I won’t curse god or beg to live. I’ll accept it gracefully.

If I knew when I was going to die, I’d definitely freak out a little and mark it on my calendar!


Before the destined hour, I would make all the telephone calls, visits and donations that I need to make, and joyfully tell everyone that I love them. I’ll thank them for making my living moments cheerful, memorable ones and I’ll also ask for forgiveness if I’ve intentionally or unintentionally hurt them. And last but not the least, I’ll tell them I’m going away forever and not to miss me too much. And hey, don’t not miss me either :-)

It is one thing to wait for it in its own sweet time, and entirely another to see it coming, with as much certainty as night follows day. I speculated whether I would jump into the sea and just stop swimming, letting the waves take me where they may and finally drown me when they were done playing.

I had no answer then. The answer fails me now too.


But I do know this. If I ever happen to be disabled beyond repair or hospitalised for life, I don’t want that life. Please kill me. Euthanasia might be a crime. But I cannot expose myself to pain and others to inconvenience for a few hours / days / weeks of laboured breathing. I will not have needles stuck into me, so what if the absence thereof cuts short my life by a few months? I’d rather live a short, healthy, independent life with respect than a lengthy one that is a trouble for me and others alike.


Oh, and make sure my eyes are donated. I want someone to be able to see. To understand what colours are, to know what beauty is, to watch playful puppies and the sultry sunrise... to feel blessed…


Just like what I felt when I looked outta the window that night in my house…

Barnita Haldar's photostream

Barnita Haldar's photostream on Flickr.